Opening Day

WELCOME TO MOMENTS OF LIGHT

 

My name is Laurellee Faith, and I am one of the millions of people (both diagnosed and undiagnosed) who exist on this planet with the challenges of panic attacks, anxiety and agoraphobia. I also belong to an ever growing group of people who are trying to cope without the benefit of health insurance, nor the financial means to seek adequate help. Perhaps you are a kindred soul, feeling backed into a corner, with no way out.  We sit on the fringes of life, watching others perform the simplest things that we too, were once able to do without a second thought.

I decided, with the encouragement of my wonderful husband, that the one thing within my power that I hadn’t tried was to write about it.  I know in my heart that there must be others who,  living anxious, less than fulfilling lives behind computer screens, need to know that they are not alone. Therefore, in the interests of working on myself and perhaps aiding others, and with the greatest of hopes, I have decided to create this blog. It will be a work in progress, as I delve back into time, my own thoughts and the massive amounts of research I have done and continue to do on these areas. (Not to mention teaching myself how to to even WRITE AND DESIGN A BLOG!!!!!..Then again, since I gave up driving thanks to panic attacks, I have all the time in the world to learn this wonderful craft! LOL)  You may read Once Upon a Time – My Story which should be located on the right-hand side of the screen under PAGES (if I have figured this crazy stuff out correctly..LOL)

It is my faith and belief that there comes a time when we must find our own way out of the darkness.  Self-help books can only take us so far. However, in our current world’s lifestyle, we are all too isolated from the building of support systems and friendship that are so important to those like us who suffer alone with a fear that no one can see except us.

Life is too short and there is so much to experience.  I want my life back and I know that you do as well. I won’t claim to have answers, for each of us must find what works for us.  My goal is to share my story and my ongoing journey, and to encourage others not to give up. It is my intention to be brutally honest on how it has affected my own life. I know that I surely benefitted from reading the stories of others. Perhaps we can find our own answers – together. Maybe we can even find moments to laugh. (I am willing to admit that in retrospect, there are humorous moments in living with this. For example, when starting this Blog, I chose the format layout named Chaotic Soul…aptly suited to me I felt. HaHaHa)

Feel free to drop me a line, leave a comment, ask questions, make suggestions or just say hi. Or pass it on to someone who might be interested.

I hope you will join me in this evolving journey and may we head out onto the horizons of our futures…together, one day at a time, sharing our Moments of Light.

Love, Patience and Faith,

Laurellee

SOME DAYS ARE JUST LIKE THAT

Half cross-eyed, staring at the computer screen, wondering if during the night, my higher self has decided to fly off to Italy and drink repeated shots of espresso. Awakening with a lurch as my husband scurries out of bed, having overslept, I can’t believe it is already morning. Warring with hiding under the covers a bit longer, I experience the mega-caffeine like adrenaline surge that makes unscheduled visits into my life.  I long for the days when I could bound out of bed, throw water on my face and head into the sunrise, armed with humor, grit and a great determination to conquer my world before the closing bell each day.

However, that was before I took in the border named Panic. Like a guest who promises to stay for only a few days and then refuses to ever leave, Panic was a sly visitor. She started out with one-day trips, with months stretching out between her visits. Often she would stay only a few hours, mostly in the mornings, where her presence would cause my heart to race and exhaustion to set in. She’d often sneak into my car and try to join me on the way to work. I don’t know why she found my presence so fascinating. Eventually, she became a stalker. I gave up driving so she couldn’t tag along. She was having none of that. She begin being a fifth wheel even when someone else drove; backseat driver that she was, she’d sit behind me whispering that the driver was lousy, along with all those other drivers speeding right along with us.

She was the drill sergeant of my life; so quick to point out every potential flaw and danger in each day’s game plan, reminding me that she trained me to fight for my life and to win at all costs. Not content to keep her comments to the road, she’d follow me into stores, dentists offices, parks, even a walk around the block. The harder I tried to lose her, the meaner she became. I swear to this day she even tried to push me into my own Koi pond. She was that jealous of anything that took my attention away from her. Watching the Koi swim in our little pond is an activity that I often use as a form of relaxation. One morning, I stood near the edge, peering into the shadows and sunlit patches on the water, as the fish darted back and forth, showing off,  in the hopes of an additional meal. Suddenly Panic threw a veil of dizziness over me, causing me to back away from the edge for fear of passing out and becoming a case of death by accidental drowning. No place was sacred for Panic’s observing gaze. Can’t a person even take a shower without having to keep the shower door open a bit, in case they need to escape from Panic scaring the hell out of them?

Her jealousy and deprecating comments have taken the joy out of so many meaningful experience of my life. I barely made it through my daughter’s graduation ceremony (had to get down off the bleachers and watch from a faint patch of shade underneath), walks I use to enjoy ended with me gasping for breath and heading home after half of a block. Plants festivals, one of my greatest pleasures, found me feeling leery and claustrophobic, often deciding I didn’t really want to go anyway.  I cannot drive my children places they need to go, nor go certain places that I just know Panic is planning to attend as well.

Ok, you know of course that the character of Panic is not a real person. She isn’t real. Just as  panic attacks do not mean there really is any danger. The story was written that way, in order to honestly tell you how I feel on the days I am just having a harder time than others.  I certainly have not given up, but I am merely sharing the journey with you. Remember that we all have our ups and downs in dealing with our anxiety….AND SOME DAYS ARE JUST LIKE THAT!

Love, Patience and Faith,

Laurellee