Opening Day

WELCOME TO MOMENTS OF LIGHT

 

My name is Laurellee Faith, and I am one of the millions of people (both diagnosed and undiagnosed) who exist on this planet with the challenges of panic attacks, anxiety and agoraphobia. I also belong to an ever growing group of people who are trying to cope without the benefit of health insurance, nor the financial means to seek adequate help. Perhaps you are a kindred soul, feeling backed into a corner, with no way out.  We sit on the fringes of life, watching others perform the simplest things that we too, were once able to do without a second thought.

I decided, with the encouragement of my wonderful husband, that the one thing within my power that I hadn’t tried was to write about it.  I know in my heart that there must be others who,  living anxious, less than fulfilling lives behind computer screens, need to know that they are not alone. Therefore, in the interests of working on myself and perhaps aiding others, and with the greatest of hopes, I have decided to create this blog. It will be a work in progress, as I delve back into time, my own thoughts and the massive amounts of research I have done and continue to do on these areas. (Not to mention teaching myself how to to even WRITE AND DESIGN A BLOG!!!!!..Then again, since I gave up driving thanks to panic attacks, I have all the time in the world to learn this wonderful craft! LOL)  You may read Once Upon a Time – My Story which should be located on the right-hand side of the screen under PAGES (if I have figured this crazy stuff out correctly..LOL)

It is my faith and belief that there comes a time when we must find our own way out of the darkness.  Self-help books can only take us so far. However, in our current world’s lifestyle, we are all too isolated from the building of support systems and friendship that are so important to those like us who suffer alone with a fear that no one can see except us.

Life is too short and there is so much to experience.  I want my life back and I know that you do as well. I won’t claim to have answers, for each of us must find what works for us.  My goal is to share my story and my ongoing journey, and to encourage others not to give up. It is my intention to be brutally honest on how it has affected my own life. I know that I surely benefitted from reading the stories of others. Perhaps we can find our own answers – together. Maybe we can even find moments to laugh. (I am willing to admit that in retrospect, there are humorous moments in living with this. For example, when starting this Blog, I chose the format layout named Chaotic Soul…aptly suited to me I felt. HaHaHa)

Feel free to drop me a line, leave a comment, ask questions, make suggestions or just say hi. Or pass it on to someone who might be interested.

I hope you will join me in this evolving journey and may we head out onto the horizons of our futures…together, one day at a time, sharing our Moments of Light.

Love, Patience and Faith,

Laurellee

(Grand)Baby Steps–*NEW*

Well, after more than six months of silence, I am back. The reason for my disappearance is simply this: I have a new baby in the house. Ok, he’s not mine, directly.  He is my first grandchild. Noah was born on October 16, 2009 and is the inspiration for this latest blog, even if it is LONG overdue.

I admit, that when my daughter first became pregnant, I was thrown for a loop. Some days, I could barely function or have my head together enough to be there for the grown and nearly grown children already a part of this household. How on earth was I going to cope with my teenage daughter’s pregnancy? How can a panic-stricken woman teach her daughter all she can about how to deal with pregnancy and motherhood, when there were days she awoke as the shaking shadow of the woman she use to be?

Somehow, we went through medical appointments, (I had a few close calls in waiting rooms), ultrasounds, glucose testing and all the emotional moments in between. I can honestly say I spent those nine months more worried about my daughter’s pregnancy than I ever worried about my own four. As the due date drew closer, my mind raced with fantasies about having a total meltdown at crunch time, leaving my daughter to give birth alone while they carted her mother to a “special” room upstairs somewhere! You see, I was to be with her during delivery AND to have the honor of cutting the cord.  That is pressure on anyone, let alone someone who doubts they can even walk to the corner of their street alone!

The big day arrived – at 5:30 a.m. her water broke. I am NOT a morning person anyway, and since anxiety became my companion, mornings are sometimes an awful struggle. I had not gone to bed till 1 am, yet somehow I found myself running around, mopping up amniotic fluid (gross, I know) and then was actually dancing a silly dance.  I can do this, I thought to myself.

Off we went to the hospital, with part of the extended family meeting us there. The mom side of me apparently took over, because looking back, I am truly amazed I didn’t fold myself into a corner somewhere.  Things moved along, I took breaks to go outside, I coached a daughter in labor (when the epidural wasn’t working) and in less than 12 hours, from less than a foot away, I saw my grandson come into the world AND cut the umbilical cord. She did it! I did it! He’s here! I am still in one piece!

Ok, the first-moments photos show me looking less than my usual self!  LOL  Of course, like any first moments of love, you are carried forward by an emotional high.  I had no idea what a grueling weekend was ahead.

I could not sleep in the hospital, merely dozed. I know I am prone to anxiety if I am tired…and I was so tired I could no longer take in what anyone was saying to me. I believe I went on autopilot for a while. The following morning, I headed down the maze of hospital corridors (I have absolutely no sense of direction!) all alone, to try to get out for some fresh air. Halfway down, I realized I was so foggy brained that I should just head back or I was in big trouble. I forced myself to go outside, even if I did take a wrong turn somehow and came out the emergency room exit!  Soon my daughter text messaged me, saying she needed me. Funny how there are those moments where concern for another overrides even the threat of a panic attack. I made it back to her room, again without falling apart in an elevator somewhere.

Visitors came and went; I recall very little of the conversations. I spoke to doctors, nurses, and somehow managed to start teaching my daughter how to take care of her newborn son. Finally, I realized I had reached my limits, I could no longer function. I needed rest, a shower, my own surroundings. My husband, who drives a limo, was on constant runs, and came to the hospital when he could. I remember calling him and snapping, saying I NEED TO GET HOME NOW! Thank goodness he understands me and knew what I meant. We finally worked out for my oldest son and his wife to come and get me.  I had a bit of rest, then headed back to the hospital for one more night. Somehow, I knew there was no room for panic, my daughter and grandson needed me.

Finally, it was time to go home. I believe I was as thrilled as my daughter was! We had all come a long way to reach this moment.  I see now that all the previous months had contained many steps, BABY steps (pun intended) to prepare me for the arrival of a brand new life. I saw how much agony I had put myself through all during that time.  All of it for nothing; I let it rob so many moments of my days, for when the time came, none of my worst-case scenarios came even close to being true.

Did it cure me of my anxiety? No…that would be the fairy tale version of the story. But it did show me that I am capable of more than I thought I was, even WITH anxiety in my life.  Do I still give in to moments of doubt and fear. Yes, I still do.  But thanks to my grandson Noah, I see that we will continue taking steps together….baby steps for us both.

I love you so much Noah,

Laurellee Faith

PS..Thank you to Kim for inspiring me to get blogging again!